The Thoughts of Mine

In life, there's a common question that is "how can I find my happiness?". Throughout my term working in that organization, my happiness left me. Why is that so? Well, because, I'm always focusing on negative side, I get irritated to receive messages from them, I get irritated when they ask my to do works, I get irritated with my existence in there. In this kind of circumstances, happiness choose to leave us as we abandon them first. So, I left. The day when I submitted my resignation letter, I got really excited. I even imagine that my life will be full of laughter, full of my beloved ones by my side and many more. Everything just seem as a heavy rain had just gone by. And I really become very very very cheerful. My smile just appear every now and then. I don't frown as much as I used to. Everything's really fine to me. It's really like a rainbow after a thunderstorm. I'm really grateful that my loved ones are always there by my side. Even pe...

Finally, I'm able to breathe again. The days I had suffered felt like it's going to end soon. However, I'm having mixed feelings. "Is this what I wanted from the start?" "Why did my prayers became like this somehow?" "Is it my fault?" All those questions kept bugging me. I know, I might be selfish but I have the right to seek for my own happiness. I can't just live within other's expectations and torture myself. I couldn't do that anymore. For all those times I held my head down, respecting them and let them talk everything that sounds so wrong to me. But not anymore. It hurts my pride. I couldn't let anyone do that to me anymore. This is my life. I live the way I want and the way I like. So, toxic people, just leave. Get out of my sight and get out of others sight. Be useful, do things that will benefits others and not harming others.

It's really hard to recover from setback. Really. It's torturing. You'll be mad, but not sure what for. You'll be nervous, but not sure what for. You'll be stressed out, but not sure what for. Everything you did with your efforts, you were really devoted and loyal to them. However, it's not appreciated. Never, never, place someone in this kind of situation. It's torturing yet suffocating. You won't understand how much they wanted to scream. You won't understand how much they wanted to recover faster. You won't understand how brave they are to go through all this. Never be the one who make someone face the same situation as I did. Because, You're a murderer, a silent murderer. 

My life is blessed. Really blessed. Except those times when it got really hard on me. Sometimes, I wonder, what did I do to deserve all these. When I transferred school during secondary school years, my teachers actually take good care of me. They don't leave me out and they tried to make me feel like I'm part of them. When I started my college, my lecturers treat me very well. One of them even took time to counsel me and gave me advice. When I started working, my colleagues are so nice to me. Even until now, they still treat me well. Even the students are close with me, which makes me feel really satisfy as well as everything I done for them were appreciated. As I walk along the journey, I met people who I lost contact for years but ended up having a strong and close relationship with. I met people with different interested but ended up being an important part of my life. I met people who are from the different age group but is willing to give me advice as well as know th...

To all the hard-working people out there, you deserve to be appreciated. There will always be times that you got manipulated by the organization and did more than you should. I would like to say here that, you all deserve to get a better workplace. Sometimes, we're just in a place which doesn't really seems to fit our abilities. We might have greater abilities, but we're burried as the people up there are blind... Sometimes, others just snatch your credits away as well as you efforts. After all the long hours you had dedicated to, ended up being possession of someone else... Sometimes, the people around you aren't that great. They look down on you, they stab you on the back, they pretend to work when others are around... I would just like to tell you "you did really well and you deserve to be appreciated as well as happiness." Most of us lost ourselves in the midst of working. We thought that if we sacrifice more, we might get something good in return b...

If only I hadn't join the organization, how would I be now? If only I hadn't had high expectation in it, how would I be? If only the passion in me for the organization had faded long ago, how would I be? After a long period of the issue, I guess I'm losing myself slowly. My emotion seemed to stop working anymore. I smile when I need to. I pretend to be excited when I need to. I cry when I need to. However, I don't feel real anymore like there's no real feelings in me. It's really creeping me out. Where did I go? The real me. Did it gone away with the wind that blew strongly on me? What had happened to me? If only I could turn back time, I wouldn't make this choice again. If only I could told my old self that I'm digging a grave for myself to jump in. If only I could be strong enough to fight back and defend myself, I guess, all would be different by now. If only God walks along me, accompanying through this season, I wish, happiness remains a...

This is a story between her heart and her mind. "Let's runaway together.", said the heart. "Why?", asked the mind. "I couldn't take it anymore. Even a second is like a drill, penetrating me, leaving a hole in me, makes me empty." "Stay strong. That's what everyone told you to.  Couldn't you even do that?" "I can't, I had tried, I can't get over it, it's suffocating me, I can't even breathe." "Don't runaway from your problem, solve it!" "I'm not sure if my solution is right, I'm afraid I'm wrong. After I got hold of what I always prayed and dreamt for, this isn't right anyhow." "Then, go for it. Fight for yourself, that's your right." "I need sometime to take a break from all this nonsense, mind. I might lost myself here if I stay here longer. My pride is crushed, my confidence is crushed, and my self esteem is vanished." "It mu...

I've worked hard, hard enough to show everyone around me how important that was to me. The passion to be part of the organization that grew stronger and stronger each day. It faded, somehow. I did my best, I tried as hard as I could, but no one seems to care. The organization wasn't as established as I thought. Did I regret? Yes, I did. At first, everything seems fine to me, it was absolutely a wonderland. I thought they were different, I thought I could be myself, not showing all the works straight up, they'll certainly see my hard work. I guess I'm wrong. They made me worked more than what I should do. I did. I did my best. Yet, the comments I got from them is just low performance. I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout. Despite the devil awakened in me kick me in my gut, I decided to stay quiet. I'm highly educated. I told myself and pushes those feelings aside. No one will understands me even if I tried to explain. Humans prioritize different things in th...

What does that even mean? I, do smile a lot, but not every time. The smile which hid my flaws, which asked me to move on, which made me pretend I'm happy became a title for me. "You're a bright person", "I love to see you as you always smile so brightly and gives out sunshine vibes", "You're always smiling in pictures"... The compliments somehow made me think twice, thrice, that do I really deserve this title? "What if they found out?". No one can deny this, everyone has their side that they are too scared to expose to the others, me too. Questions with the similar meaning run wild in my mind and I couldn't stop it. "I want to live like a child, smiling and laughing everyday, forgetting those bad things happened yesterday and look forward to tomorrow." However, how is it even possible? Life is full of ups and downs, I'll grow, so do you, how should we stay happy and naive? I'm glad, somehow, to be called a ...